Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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