I wish I only lived at night.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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