She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
