There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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