I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
