i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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