The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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