if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
there was a trapeze. enough said
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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