I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
