I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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