Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
