Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
