I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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