you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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