wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
