i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
