You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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