she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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