Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
