I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
