If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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