Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
