I just made out with a guy for $7.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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