It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
