she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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