Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
