Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
birth control should be required to get into college
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
