Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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