Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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