I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
