He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
