I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
