You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
