I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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