I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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