I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
should my penis look like a turkey
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
