Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
