You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
