sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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