yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
