she was so not down for the gang bang
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
