I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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