I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
