she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
