I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
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apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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