I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
