youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
