Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
