he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
