All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
