If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
