I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
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If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
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My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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