I wish I only lived at night.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
