I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
