the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
