did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
