i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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